Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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