I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
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I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
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I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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