so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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