I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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