Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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