Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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