I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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