do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
