first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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