you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize