Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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