I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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