so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even my farts smell like vagina
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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