dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize