If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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