I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize