Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
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He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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