Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize