Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
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She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
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i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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