Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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