pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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