i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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