I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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