i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
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I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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