My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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