Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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