I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize