i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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