I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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