I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
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Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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