girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
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