I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize