when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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