I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
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Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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