Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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