my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize