Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
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no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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