Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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