I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
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I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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