Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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