Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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