I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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