Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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