I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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