I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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