just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize