There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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