someone threw a dead crab at me
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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