I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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