Me. At least after what I've been through.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
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I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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